One small sentence and I already managed to make a lot of you cringe. Speaking up in front of an audience, introducing yourself to your new colleagues, writing a self-summary on a dating platform - all those examples circulate around the task of communicating your very self to other humans; a problem for many, but why? Does it have to be one?
Short answer: No. And yes, but for the right reasons.
We live in a complicated, complex world. The Industrial and Digital Revolution have shaped our understanding of society, economy, science - pretty much everything so to speak - in a way profoundly different to former (r)evolutions. They redefined the cosmic principle we learned to call "time". For the past ten thousands of years of human development, everything has been going on somewhat smoothly, at reasonable pace. This is when haste appeared on the table. We learned to do more in less time, much more in fact, so much that I would argue our internal clocks could not follow up with the external, exponential growth of industry and societal complexity. Individual freedom marks one of the core elements of the latter. Were you born in let's say the 15th century and your father was a mason, chances were high you'd become the same, given you were a boy. As for girls, well ... there's always housework to be done.
With little to no education and lack of social mobility, it was somehow easy to locate oneself's role in society. You had your family, your estate (clergy, nobility, commoners), your profession handed down to you by tradition, a fixed belief system and so on. The very concept of individual development and reflected self-awareness, to some extent even among the wealthier, is actually not that old, nonetheless deemed as an important - if not essential - value in our modern society. Today's question is not how many angels can fit on a needle but rather how many books can be sold telling people what the meaning of life is.
Freedom comes at a price, they say. This price boils down to what can be described as: uncertainty. With everything being possible, there's plenty to go wrong.
And boy, does it. Climate change, mass extinction, wars initiated to fight for resources, starvation - you name it. With all these big and apparent problems at hand, our own, personal issues seem so little, ridiculous even. I believe that's one part of the problem. We have become afraid of taking ourselves seriously if we lead a more or less normal (which translates to 'insignificant') life, thus remaining silent rather than talking strongly about our passions, our fears and hopes. Who am I really to tell you something? I'm just trying to get by, study here or work there, nothing interesting. It's not like I'm doing anything special.
Well, with such mindset beforehand, you are right, you do not sound very interesting. That however is not due to your intrinsical boring nature, it's due to your attitude of looking at yourself with superficial sunglasses being afraid of diving into your own mind in depth.
Every person, every crazy artist, App-Store CEO, bus driver, teacher, librarian or butcher - we all lead very different lives, but at our core, at the essence of our human nature, we strive for the same things. We want to do something fulfilling, we want to be seen for who we really are, we want security and adventure likewise, we want to be happy and find the meaning of life (not that anybody would have a clue on getting there despite reciting this one movie with the robot). We won't get there with superficial conversations, that's for sure. Most of the time we seem to be too afraid to let ourselves be seen by others. Maybe, just maybe, if we knew them very well and for a long time, we'd dare to share something vulnerable with them - but with new people, strangers? No way, what if they don't like or understand us? Staying under the radar, reserved, appears as the best way to protect ourselves from getting hurt by shame or misunderstanding.
But what if ...? What if we dared a little more in everyday life? When an acquaintance sees us in the tram and asks "How are you?", why answer with a fake smile and an ever so trite "Oh, everything's fine, how are you?" instead of gathering the courage to tell what (if so) really lurks under that mask we like to put on? You'd be surprised on how often people will respond with the same will to share something authentic with you, or at least not be repelled by this outbreak of vulnerable honesty, rather touched by the courage pounding toward them.
Alright, fluffy-duffy talk aside, even if you've mustered the courage to express yourself, what now if you still don't really know what to say because you're not so sure who and how you actually are?
As far as we know, humans are the most complex and intelligent life-form in the universe (not opting for speciecism by the way, that's just a matter of fact). We try to understand ourselves, but we're not even close to the full picture. Neuroscience, Psychobiology etc. are just getting started on unraveling the brain and the mind. It's ok to be confused. And even more so to express this very confusion, share the sorrows. Thinking about what to do with your life, coping with heartbreak, supporting friends in deep suffering, loving someone, trying to love yourself - those are all sensitive issues, not having a straightforward way to deal with such things is actually shockingly normal.
And that's the exact reason why this inherent uncertainty of existence should not make you feel miserable and left alone. Because, we are all experiencing these problems, everyone fears, everyone suffers, albeit in fairly diverse facets. Often, the importance of showing up should not lie in the hope of being understood very well but rather in the act of opening up itself. Aiming for the goal of getting definite answeres will probably leave you unsatisfied as it is, in depth, really hard to step in another one's footsteps. Empathy is not our default mode. In struggling times however, the most powerful reaction need not be a solution, a simple 'Me too. I have no idea what to do!' can make all the difference as it reminds us that we have not been singled out, that our suffering, when being stripped from the specifics, is a universal experience rather than sole misery.
Everyone's crooked. We all struggle. To be human is to consist of various contradicting idiosyncrasies all woven together to form the very YOU.
So, by all means, don't be ashamed of who you are. Embrace this stardusty bundle of chaos you represent and meet life's adventures wholeheartedly, with compassion and gratitude. Stand up for your beliefs, or, by lack of, try to find something which brings you meaning and fulfillment. Cherish the bright side of life, contemplate without anger on sadness and grief. Find a balance to thrive in, and let yourself be seen by the world around you. Don't count on winning all the time; failure is as inherent as achievement, life is not fair. Just do it, daring ever so greatly.
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