Das System

Wenn es ein paar böse alte Männer in einem finsteren Hinterzimmer wären, dann wäre die Lage gut. Dann könnten wir James Bond dort hinschicken und das Böse bezwingen. 
Aber so ist es nicht. Der Kampf richtet sich nicht gegen ein paar böse Ausreißer am Ende der Welt, sondern gegen ungesteuerte, sich selbst erhaltende Ideologien. Und diese stecken in jedem von uns. Wir können entscheiden, ob wir uns willfährig von unserer eigenen Ignoranz kontrollieren lassen wollen, oder ob wir unser Leben in die Hand nehmen und selbstbestimmt der Fremdbestimmung ins Auge blicken.
Wir kommen auf die Welt und sind unmittelbar verstrickt in einem engmaschigen Netz verschiedener Glaubenssysteme, die kaum je ein direktes, rückführbares Ziel haben. Es sind kopflose Sklavenhalter, Viren, deren einziger Zweck in ihrer bloßen Existenz besteht.

1)
Wir erlernen Verhaltensweisen von unserer Umgebung, den uns nahestehenden Menschen. Wie bewege ich mich, was sage ich zu wem, was und wen esse ich, was und wen nicht, wer ist mir suspekt und wem schenke ich vorschüssiges Vertrauen, wie kleide ich mich, ...? Das WARUM bleibt meistens unter Verschluss, da unsere Mitmenschen darauf selbst keine Antworten kennen (wenn wir denn nur fragen würden). Wenn mehrere Bausteine zusammenfallen, werden wir früher oder später manches schon hinterfragen, dieses Hinterfragen aber hat meist kein System, es ergibt sich aus Zufall.

2)
Wir lesen/schauen/hören die Nachrichten und glauben selbst als kritischer Geist viel zu vieles viel zu schnell. Nachrichten konstruieren unser Weltbild, sie geben uns Informationen über zahllose Begebenheiten, die mit unserem persönlichen Leben nichts zu tun haben. Als selbstbestimmter Konsument ist es an uns, die Mechanismen und Ziele von Medien, die uns Informationen liefern, zu erlernen, zu verstehen und für eine gedeihende Evolution des Geistes produktiv zu interpretieren.


3)
Wir glauben an unsere Einzigartigkeit und vertrauen der inhärenten Logik unseres Gehirns. Es macht schon Sinn, warum soll ich darüber diskutieren mit einem anderen Gehirn? Wir sind so elendig provinziell inmitten all der Globalisierung und merken nicht, welches Volumen an Lebendigkeit im Austausch mit anderen steckt.

zu 1)
Wann habe ich entschieden, "dass man das nicht macht"? Dass es unhöflich ist zu widersprechen, dass es höflich ist, andere nicht mit sich zu belästigen, dass ich mich für natürliche körperliche Vorgänge zu schämen und diese zu verstecken habe, dass mein Aussehen/Gewicht auch nur irgendeine Relevanz besitzt für Fremde, dass ...?Wann habe ich als Kind beschlossen, nur mehr Hunde und Katzen süß zu finden und alle anderen Tiere zu essen? In welchem Alter verstarb die Empathie, die zuvor noch grenzenlos war, als ich ganz naiv dahinlebte und keinen Unterschied erkannte, wo auch kein Unterschied ist, wo nur andere mir einen Unterschied eingebläut haben, um die Abstumpfung zulassen zu können? Wo ich gelernt habe, welche Art von bewusstem, und, bis auf ökonomische Gesichtspunkte, unnötigem Töten in Ordnung ist?

zu 2)
Wie viele Menschen kenne ich eigentlich etwas besser als 'Guten Morgen, ein Weckerl bitte'? 20, 50, 100, 1000? Wie viele Orte dieser Welt habe ich selbst gesehen? Und was glaube ich nicht alles über Millionen von anderen Menschen und Orten, weil es in schwarzen Buchstaben auf ebenem Untergrund gekritzelt ist? Wo ist die persönliche Neugier, wo der externe Zensor? Wem habe ich erlaubt, meine persönlichen Empfindungen per "objektivem" Bericht zu aktivieren? Objektiv, was für ein pervertiertes Wort.


zu 3)
Wie komme ich dazu, alles auszublenden und dem lächerlichen Konstrukt der eigenen Erfahrung unbeirrbaren Stellenwert beizumessen? Von einer einzigen persönlichen Erfahrung auf die Gesamtheit der Prozesse zu schließen, welche diese Welt weben; von einzigartigen Erfahrungen Schlüsse über andere Menschen in anderen Situationen zu ziehen?

Me, or: What it's like to be human [Part II]

[Click here for Part I]

[Click here for Part III]

This is an abstract of my (emotional) biography.

Name’s Nicolas Pleasure Galani. Oh yeah. My second first name derives from my parents’ (Austrian and Indian descent) wish to give me an internationally, eh, ‘applicable’ name. For the people who are interested in India: Nope, sorry, can’t tell you anything about it in particular. My parents got divorced when I was about 4 years old, I barely know my father, chiefly through short visits during the first years after the divorce. My mother and I moved from Vienna to my grandparents’ house in the countryside (Aflenz Land). Shortly after, she found a new job in Bruck an der Mur which made her absent almost all day for several months. I am telling you this because it – maybe – marks the reason for one of my key character traits today, which is: bringing people together and trying to establish loving, lasting relationships between others as well as between others and me.

After elementary school, my mother and I moved to Kapfenberg, where I lived for the next 8 years of my life (I went to school at the Bruck/Mur Gymnasium). After graduating, I moved to Graz (where I’ve been living for 3 years now), whereas my mother moved back to Vienna.

As far as I construct the image of my past from today’s perspective, my life truly began in Graz. Why? Because, over the course of Gymnasium (well, it had probably started earlier), I became an extremely shy and introverted [note: this is not necessarily correlated] person on the inside. On the outside, this shifting behavior (my mother and others describe me as a quite lively young kid), manifested itself by obesity, which was symptomatic for my somewhat depressive mood over this really long time. Due to my extreme shyness stemming from self-loathing, it was very hard for me to connect with others and therefore with the world in general. I had great luck finding two friends in my class with whom I am still very close today; otherwise, I guess I wouldn’t have made it (yes, that is a euphemism for suicide). However, it actually took me very long to realize what’s going on with my life, meaning that I successfully hid myself from my sight. I was quite good at telling myself that I simply enjoy being alone and that it is super okay to stay at home the whole day, reading books, playing games, and that seeing the people in my class every day is more than enough social interaction. It took me until I was around 17/18 to realize that my life couldn’t possibly go on like that, staying under the radar, passive, while gaining more and more weight the whole time. I cannot fathom what had caused it, but at some point, the illusion in which I had existed burst, and I had to come to terms with what was going on here. At first, this realization made me even more depressed than before as I had to confront myself with my feelings on a core level and the truth of my existential loneliness. Yet, I refused to just acknowledge my misery. I didn’t intend to continue my life like this. I needed change, fundamental change. I tried to point out to myself as clearly as possible what was going on, from where I was coming, where I wanted to be, and how I could get there.

First step was to find new friends (which translates to: opening up and learning to talk to people) as well as deepening the few friendships I already had. To achieve that, I moved in a flatshare when I moved to Graz although I was well aware that I really like to live alone. This was the first of many awkward, painful situations I intentionally threw myself into. I had to do this to overcome my fears. I hated it more than often, but it was the only way to grow as a person. I deeply believe the pain you experience when you develop yourself can never be greater than the pain of numbing your emotions and living in a constant state of disappointment. I’d rather taste failure while daring greatly over not feeling anything to prevent pain and standing outside my own life. Fortunately for me, I found a passion in photography during the last year of school. This made it easier to connect with people as photography can be a quite social hobby if you want it to be.

After managing to overcome my shyness in many aspects and finding some friends (not many true, deep friends though), I focussed on losing weight as I really hated how I look and couldn’t accept myself like that. Now, generally speaking, I don’t believe that people should be ashamed of themselves when they don’t meet the current, societal expectations of what is considered ‘normal or healthy weight’, but for me at that time, it simply was necessary to change, as my self-worth was tied to my appearance very strongly. To put it shortly, I lost weight up to a point where I learned to love myself regardless of how I look. Of course, this development of self-love (the crucial part here is: unconditional self-love) didn’t stem from weight loss solely. As time passed by, the overall situation of my life became better, despite many failed actions.

Besides friendship, the other fundamental form of interpersonal connection I craved was romance. Yes, the thing about love, and cuddling, and biting (if you’re into that). I won’t go into great detail here, sufficient to say, this connection was much, much harder for me to achieve than friendship, mostly because I first had to lose my weight and gain my self-loving confidence to even think of approaching another with that intention in mind. Secondly, the first time I really opened up and expressed my feelings to another, it didn’t end well, which, while being the right thing in the long run, caused a period of depression and isolation once again. And since I’m a person who very rarely finds true connection with others (in general), it took me quite a while to learn about intimacy on an actual and not just theoretical, idealistic level. To end this: I’ve found love. And fuck yeah, was it worth the struggle!

I’ll end here and lastly tell you why I am telling you all this personal information. I’m doing it because nothing described above is able to hurt me any longer. I wanted to change, and I did. It was hard, it was excruciating, it cost me a lot, but it worked out in the end. Today, I am a genuinely happy person, I embrace life, I cherish what I have, I know I can improve not only my own life but also that of others (which I’m trying to do on a personal level and on a grander scale through Effective Altruism, ecological literacy, veganism and so on (see Part III)).

All of us struggle, in diverse facets. To struggle is a function of being human. My struggle was primarily an emotional one. Others suffer from war or may be deprived of water and food, others are enslaved, the list goes on. I firmly believe that every kind of struggle is worth and necessary to be taken seriously. I first had to find happiness in my own life to empower myself to help others who are stuck in dire situations. There are many big problems we have to face in this world, but we mustn’t forget ourselves. Egoism can have a positive or negative design; it’s not wrong by default, it’s very essential in fact. You have to appreciate yourself first in order to help others and not get lost on the way.

If there’s anything to take from this post, I hope it is the message of a positive outlook. Life can be fucking hard. Often, external forces suppress us. Often, it is simply ourselves who is the suppressor. Don’t let yourself get in the way of your happiness. 
Think. Accept. Refuse. Change. Love. Be grateful. Practice resilience. Try. Fail. Keep failing. Dare greatly. 
Do it. 
Now.

Me, or: What it's like to be human [Part I]

[Click here for Part II]
[Click here for Part III]

Photographer. Writer. Idealist. Wannabe-intellectual observing and criticizing society. Obsessed with personal growth, as there is nothing more crucial than understanding oneself in order to locate one’s own being in this madness of existence.

I yearn for authenticity. I crave truth in life, in people. Something real, something beneath our societal masks and shells fed by fear of being misunderstood, by resignation, by a hurting soul. I believe we’re here for connection. We are social animals, higher mammals with a deep sense for interpersonal relationships. It’s not about being sociable, it’s about stimulation of the soul’s longing to be understood and overcoming the illusion of our separateness.

In this post, I don’t tell you what kind of food I enjoy, or what cities I’d like to visit; what movies I can watch one hundred times or why my skin is somewhat brownish. What quality does such information have when you've never met me in reality, never had a true conversation with me in depth, about the things which really count? My fears, my joys, the reason why I bother to stand up every single day and throw myself into this messy world around us. 
I know, I’m weird, there’s something wrong with my approach to getting to know people. I want to learn about the deep stuff first and then, later on, enjoy the sweetness of unimportant small-talk. Even worse, I believe I’m absolutely right about that, as I met the most amazing people in my life not by ‘being nice’ and chatty and engaging in shallow talks about this or that, but by being real and showing my true self, with the high chance of being misunderstood, disliked, left alone. And, of course, with the only chance of finding soulmates, finding genuine connection with another soul and being. What’s one hundred superficial acquaintances worth when my soul longs for two or three people with whom I can truly share my all, in all its vulnerability, in all its fractured beauty?

Now, to write at least something practical and not just pseudo-philosophical shit no one can work with, I’ll give you a few keywords loosely linked to interests of mine. 

emotional intelligence – Serdar Somuncu – higher consciousness – Effective Altruism – Romanticism – pluviophile – Indie/Indie Rock – Grammar Nazi – Brené Brown – poetry – Coldmirror – melancholy – skepticism – Nietzsche – veganism – wholeheartedness – empathy – Digimon – Andrzej Sapkowski – Post-rock – nyctophilia - Utilitarianism

Me, or: What it's like to be human [Part III]

[Click here for Part I]

[Click here for Part II]

Disclaimer:

Who am I? Does this question suffice? What about ‘Who was I’? What about ‘Why am I?’ I am in a continuous process of becoming, the words I write here today will likely be obsolete in a few months as I constantly strive for personal development.

I’m human. A struggling animal being consisting of various contradicting idiosyncrasies. Fearless, open-minded and awesome from time to time; lonely, insecure and trembling likewise. It depends. On the day, on the weather, on hormones, on other people and how they treat me or how I perceive them to treat me, on some news I come across, or maybe on nothing in particular. In this very moment I am writing these words, I am shaped by circumstances beyond my scope which influence the way I see myself and the world right now.

Alright, now here I come! Have a go with some random and funny facts about me:

◦ I’m an ambivert with a distinct inclination towards introversion. I have to be alone every day for a certain amount of time (plus a whole day per week ideally) to recharge and recover from social interaction as other people, no matter how much I enjoy their company, exhaust my system. I blossom when I surround myself with just one person at a time as I am then able to focus all my energy on them. Being around more than ~6 people in a confined space can cost me a lot of energy which is why I usually get quieter in big groups. It has nothing to do with shyness (which is so often incorrectly linked), it’s simply how I am wired on a fundamental level.

However, in contrast to many other empathetic people, I am able to control my wiring to some extent, which allows me to switch from my introverted mode to a more extroverted version of myself. I am no people person, I don’t like big gatherings of any kind, but I’m able to adapt very well if necessary.

◦ No, I’m not cold. (Insider for all the people who already talked to me in real life.)

◦ I try to stay humble. I managed to emerge from a place of extreme shyness and self-loathing to the awesome being I am today. On the outside, my behavior may come across somewhat arrogant as I, on top of all, am very prone to strong sarcasm and pretending like I don’t give a serious fuck about anything. Truly however, I don’t think I am any better than any other person, I actually yearn for criticism and will always be thankful if you disagree with me and show me a different approach to look at the world. I just believe that there’s no ideal approach to life, which means everybody is equally right or wrong about everything. Which further means that my perception of how the world functions is as valid as every other’s and therefore I am well entitled to take myself super seriously and don’t hold myself back.

Note: This paragraph is vastly oversimplified, especially in regard to science. But, whatever, talk to me if you want to understand me better.

◦ My favorite celebrites are the German cabaret artist Serdar Somuncu and the American researcher Brené Brown.

◦ I am a romantic classicist. No, it’s not about flowers or candle shit, I refer specifically to the epochal ideas/mindsets of Romanticism and Classicism which emerged from 18th Europe.

◦ I love myself unconditionally. Which is a weird thing to say, I guess, as the vast majority of people I know can’t say that about themselves. It means, in short: I truly believe I am worthy of love and belonging, of being happy and achieving my dreams, no matter how often I do something wrong, or how I look, how much I earn, if I commit myself to the world around me or not. I simply deserve to taste life to the fullest.

This is not something I just blindly think. It’s an ‘asset’ I acquired through excruciating hardship. For the better part of my life, I hated myself, I had deeply ingrained self-worth problems which I managed to overcome (with a supportive surrounding) over the past 3 years of my life.

Fun fact: According to studies of the social sciences, unconditional self-love is a pre-requisite to deeply engage with others and love others truly. And not having this sense of worthiness is the exact reason why our interpersonal relationships are often so horribly fucked up, as we are unable to believe that we are truly worthy to be loved by others.

◦ Despite my fucking big nose, my sense of smelling is so bad, it’s almost non-existing.

◦ I am highly empathetic and emotionally intelligent. No mean to brag, I simply know this to be true through personal experience with many different and very troubled, volatile people. I can recognize people’s hidden emotions and intentions quite well, be it in group dynamics or with one person only. It does not, however, mean that I always act accordingly to what I perceive. On the one hand, I'm sometimes simply controlled by my insecurities, on the other hand it is exhausting to read others and engage in real conversations beyond the mask we put on to protect our vulnerable self. I often try to ‘turn off’ my empathetic antenna to not go crazy.

Being empathetic implies several character traits, for example: I cannot really be angry with anyone as I can always comprehend their behavior to some extent, understand where they come from, why they act the way they do and so on. I do hold people accountable for their actions, which is very important, but I try to never blame anyone for anything.

In contrast to my emotional side, I am also very analytical. This is the reason why I can easily get carried away in a conversation as I am forced to investigate everything someone says deeply and create links and patterns in my mind. This may come across like I don’t listen to you carefully and rather daydream, when in fact it’s the exact opposite. I listen so carefully that I risk drowning in thought.

◦ I do drugs. My favorite one is called “binge-watching”.

◦ I am a melancholic. I see this world as a very unfair, sad place with tremendous suffering happening everywhere, utterly unnecessary in many cases. Accepting this fundamental sadness of existence and entertaining its implications is what the melancholy attitude is about. Do not confuse melancholic people with grim or miserable ones. The wisdom of melancholy lies in the understanding that suffering is a core part of universal experience and as fundamental as gravity for example. Embracing melancholy means: Trying to do the best to comfort the afflicted people and animals (in short: sentient beings) around me and trying to bring some joy into this troubled world.

◦ If you’re into the16personalities concept: I’m something between INFJ and ENFP.

◦ I love rain/storms/cold temperatures/the night/forests/cemeteries/lonely, quiet, gloomy surroundings.

◦ I try to live ethically and ecologically literate, which, practically speaking, leans toward a lifestyle including Veganism, Effective Altruism and other fancy liberal badass shit.

Veganism is an ideology proclaiming that it is not right to use animals for our pleasing as there’s no forcing reason to do so. For me personally, it also has a lot to do with bias. Very few people would torment an animal right in front of them, we simply accept torture and murder when it happens in some far away slaughterhouse and when there’s a societal ideology supporting the belief that it’s okay to induce so much suffering when the majority does it. This ideology, the ‘counterpart’ to Veganism, is called Carnism. Yes, it’s a thing. Vegans are not the only ones who bring their beliefs to the dinner table. If you think it’s wrong to eat a cat or dog but right to eat chickens, drink the mother milk of calves and so on, then you believe in an underlying system which tells you what’s right and wrong.

Effective Altruism is a concept aiming at people’s willingness to help others and combining that with a scientific approach to achieve maximum output of doing good. As an effective altruist, I don’t give money to random beggars in my town as I am aware that I can help much more people in far more dire situations when I spend my money wisely and give it to top-ranked charities. There is so, so much suffering in this world. We simply cannot help everyone, but we can try to do our best and help as many as possible as efficiently as possible. Effective Altruism tries to do just that: Doing the most good with what we can offer the world.

◦ I constantly speak with myself out loud. My thoughts demand to be expressed audibly.

◦ I am awesome. As are you, even if you don’t believe it - yet. The ‘secret’ of self-confidence is that simply thinking you can do something (yeah, I know it’s not simple) will actually enable you to really do it. Not perfectly, not everything of course, but still, the right mindset can often make all the difference.