This is an abstract of my (emotional) biography.
Name’s Nicolas Pleasure Galani. Oh yeah. My second first name derives from my parents’ (Austrian and Indian descent) wish to give me an internationally, eh, ‘applicable’ name. For the people who are interested in India: Nope, sorry, can’t tell you anything about it in particular. My parents got divorced when I was about 4 years old, I barely know my father, chiefly through short visits during the first years after the divorce. My mother and I moved from Vienna to my grandparents’ house in the countryside (Aflenz Land). Shortly after, she found a new job in Bruck an der Mur which made her absent almost all day for several months. I am telling you this because it – maybe – marks the reason for one of my key character traits today, which is: bringing people together and trying to establish loving, lasting relationships between others as well as between others and me.
After elementary school, my mother and I moved to Kapfenberg, where I lived for the next 8 years of my life (I went to school at the Bruck/Mur Gymnasium). After graduating, I moved to Graz (where I’ve been living for 3 years now), whereas my mother moved back to Vienna.
As far as I construct the image of my past from today’s perspective, my life truly began in Graz. Why? Because, over the course of Gymnasium (well, it had probably started earlier), I became an extremely shy and introverted [note: this is not necessarily correlated] person on the inside. On the outside, this shifting behavior (my mother and others describe me as a quite lively young kid), manifested itself by obesity, which was symptomatic for my somewhat depressive mood over this really long time. Due to my extreme shyness stemming from self-loathing, it was very hard for me to connect with others and therefore with the world in general. I had great luck finding two friends in my class with whom I am still very close today; otherwise, I guess I wouldn’t have made it (yes, that is a euphemism for suicide). However, it actually took me very long to realize what’s going on with my life, meaning that I successfully hid myself from my sight. I was quite good at telling myself that I simply enjoy being alone and that it is super okay to stay at home the whole day, reading books, playing games, and that seeing the people in my class every day is more than enough social interaction. It took me until I was around 17/18 to realize that my life couldn’t possibly go on like that, staying under the radar, passive, while gaining more and more weight the whole time. I cannot fathom what had caused it, but at some point, the illusion in which I had existed burst, and I had to come to terms with what was going on here. At first, this realization made me even more depressed than before as I had to confront myself with my feelings on a core level and the truth of my existential loneliness. Yet, I refused to just acknowledge my misery. I didn’t intend to continue my life like this. I needed change, fundamental change. I tried to point out to myself as clearly as possible what was going on, from where I was coming, where I wanted to be, and how I could get there.
First step was to find new friends (which translates to: opening up and learning to talk to people) as well as deepening the few friendships I already had. To achieve that, I moved in a flatshare when I moved to Graz although I was well aware that I really like to live alone. This was the first of many awkward, painful situations I intentionally threw myself into. I had to do this to overcome my fears. I hated it more than often, but it was the only way to grow as a person. I deeply believe the pain you experience when you develop yourself can never be greater than the pain of numbing your emotions and living in a constant state of disappointment. I’d rather taste failure while daring greatly over not feeling anything to prevent pain and standing outside my own life. Fortunately for me, I found a passion in photography during the last year of school. This made it easier to connect with people as photography can be a quite social hobby if you want it to be.
After managing to overcome my shyness in many aspects and finding some friends (not many true, deep friends though), I focussed on losing weight as I really hated how I look and couldn’t accept myself like that. Now, generally speaking, I don’t believe that people should be ashamed of themselves when they don’t meet the current, societal expectations of what is considered ‘normal or healthy weight’, but for me at that time, it simply was necessary to change, as my self-worth was tied to my appearance very strongly. To put it shortly, I lost weight up to a point where I learned to love myself regardless of how I look. Of course, this development of self-love (the crucial part here is: unconditional self-love) didn’t stem from weight loss solely. As time passed by, the overall situation of my life became better, despite many failed actions.
Besides friendship, the other fundamental form of interpersonal connection I craved was romance. Yes, the thing about love, and cuddling, and biting (if you’re into that). I won’t go into great detail here, sufficient to say, this connection was much, much harder for me to achieve than friendship, mostly because I first had to lose my weight and gain my self-loving confidence to even think of approaching another with that intention in mind. Secondly, the first time I really opened up and expressed my feelings to another, it didn’t end well, which, while being the right thing in the long run, caused a period of depression and isolation once again. And since I’m a person who very rarely finds true connection with others (in general), it took me quite a while to learn about intimacy on an actual and not just theoretical, idealistic level. To end this: I’ve found love. And fuck yeah, was it worth the struggle!
I’ll end here and lastly tell you why I am telling you all this personal information. I’m doing it because nothing described above is able to hurt me any longer. I wanted to change, and I did. It was hard, it was excruciating, it cost me a lot, but it worked out in the end. Today, I am a genuinely happy person, I embrace life, I cherish what I have, I know I can improve not only my own life but also that of others (which I’m trying to do on a personal level and on a grander scale through Effective Altruism, ecological literacy, veganism and so on (see Part III)).
All of us struggle, in diverse facets. To struggle is a function of being human. My struggle was primarily an emotional one. Others suffer from war or may be deprived of water and food, others are enslaved, the list goes on. I firmly believe that every kind of struggle is worth and necessary to be taken seriously. I first had to find happiness in my own life to empower myself to help others who are stuck in dire situations. There are many big problems we have to face in this world, but we mustn’t forget ourselves. Egoism can have a positive or negative design; it’s not wrong by default, it’s very essential in fact. You have to appreciate yourself first in order to help others and not get lost on the way.
If there’s anything to take from this post, I hope it is the message of a positive outlook. Life can be fucking hard. Often, external forces suppress us. Often, it is simply ourselves who is the suppressor. Don’t let yourself get in the way of your happiness.
Think. Accept. Refuse. Change. Love. Be grateful. Practice resilience. Try. Fail. Keep failing. Dare greatly.
Do it.
Now.
Think. Accept. Refuse. Change. Love. Be grateful. Practice resilience. Try. Fail. Keep failing. Dare greatly.
Do it.
Now.
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