Disclaimer:
Who am I? Does this question suffice? What about ‘Who was I’? What about ‘Why am I?’ I am in a continuous process of becoming, the words I write here today will likely be obsolete in a few months as I constantly strive for personal development.
I’m human. A struggling animal being consisting of various contradicting idiosyncrasies. Fearless, open-minded and awesome from time to time; lonely, insecure and trembling likewise. It depends. On the day, on the weather, on hormones, on other people and how they treat me or how I perceive them to treat me, on some news I come across, or maybe on nothing in particular. In this very moment I am writing these words, I am shaped by circumstances beyond my scope which influence the way I see myself and the world right now.
Alright, now here I come! Have a go with some random and funny facts about me:
◦ I’m an ambivert with a distinct inclination towards introversion. I have to be alone every day for a certain amount of time (plus a whole day per week ideally) to recharge and recover from social interaction as other people, no matter how much I enjoy their company, exhaust my system. I blossom when I surround myself with just one person at a time as I am then able to focus all my energy on them. Being around more than ~6 people in a confined space can cost me a lot of energy which is why I usually get quieter in big groups. It has nothing to do with shyness (which is so often incorrectly linked), it’s simply how I am wired on a fundamental level.
However, in contrast to many other empathetic people, I am able to control my wiring to some extent, which allows me to switch from my introverted mode to a more extroverted version of myself. I am no people person, I don’t like big gatherings of any kind, but I’m able to adapt very well if necessary.
◦ No, I’m not cold. (Insider for all the people who already talked to me in real life.)
◦ I try to stay humble. I managed to emerge from a place of extreme shyness and self-loathing to the awesome being I am today. On the outside, my behavior may come across somewhat arrogant as I, on top of all, am very prone to strong sarcasm and pretending like I don’t give a serious fuck about anything. Truly however, I don’t think I am any better than any other person, I actually yearn for criticism and will always be thankful if you disagree with me and show me a different approach to look at the world. I just believe that there’s no ideal approach to life, which means everybody is equally right or wrong about everything. Which further means that my perception of how the world functions is as valid as every other’s and therefore I am well entitled to take myself super seriously and don’t hold myself back.
Note: This paragraph is vastly oversimplified, especially in regard to science. But, whatever, talk to me if you want to understand me better.
◦ My favorite celebrites are the German cabaret artist Serdar Somuncu and the American researcher Brené Brown.
◦ I am a romantic classicist. No, it’s not about flowers or candle shit, I refer specifically to the epochal ideas/mindsets of Romanticism and Classicism which emerged from 18th Europe.
◦ I love myself unconditionally. Which is a weird thing to say, I guess, as the vast majority of people I know can’t say that about themselves. It means, in short: I truly believe I am worthy of love and belonging, of being happy and achieving my dreams, no matter how often I do something wrong, or how I look, how much I earn, if I commit myself to the world around me or not. I simply deserve to taste life to the fullest.
This is not something I just blindly think. It’s an ‘asset’ I acquired through excruciating hardship. For the better part of my life, I hated myself, I had deeply ingrained self-worth problems which I managed to overcome (with a supportive surrounding) over the past 3 years of my life.
Fun fact: According to studies of the social sciences, unconditional self-love is a pre-requisite to deeply engage with others and love others truly. And not having this sense of worthiness is the exact reason why our interpersonal relationships are often so horribly fucked up, as we are unable to believe that we are truly worthy to be loved by others.
◦ Despite my fucking big nose, my sense of smelling is so bad, it’s almost non-existing.
◦ I am highly empathetic and emotionally intelligent. No mean to brag, I simply know this to be true through personal experience with many different and very troubled, volatile people. I can recognize people’s hidden emotions and intentions quite well, be it in group dynamics or with one person only. It does not, however, mean that I always act accordingly to what I perceive. On the one hand, I'm sometimes simply controlled by my insecurities, on the other hand it is exhausting to read others and engage in real conversations beyond the mask we put on to protect our vulnerable self. I often try to ‘turn off’ my empathetic antenna to not go crazy.
Being empathetic implies several character traits, for example: I cannot really be angry with anyone as I can always comprehend their behavior to some extent, understand where they come from, why they act the way they do and so on. I do hold people accountable for their actions, which is very important, but I try to never blame anyone for anything.
In contrast to my emotional side, I am also very analytical. This is the reason why I can easily get carried away in a conversation as I am forced to investigate everything someone says deeply and create links and patterns in my mind. This may come across like I don’t listen to you carefully and rather daydream, when in fact it’s the exact opposite. I listen so carefully that I risk drowning in thought.
◦ I do drugs. My favorite one is called “binge-watching”.
◦ I am a melancholic. I see this world as a very unfair, sad place with tremendous suffering happening everywhere, utterly unnecessary in many cases. Accepting this fundamental sadness of existence and entertaining its implications is what the melancholy attitude is about. Do not confuse melancholic people with grim or miserable ones. The wisdom of melancholy lies in the understanding that suffering is a core part of universal experience and as fundamental as gravity for example. Embracing melancholy means: Trying to do the best to comfort the afflicted people and animals (in short: sentient beings) around me and trying to bring some joy into this troubled world.
◦ If you’re into the16personalities concept: I’m something between INFJ and ENFP.
◦ I love rain/storms/cold temperatures/the night/forests/cemeteries/lonely, quiet, gloomy surroundings.
◦ I try to live ethically and ecologically literate, which, practically speaking, leans toward a lifestyle including Veganism, Effective Altruism and other fancy liberal badass shit.
Veganism is an ideology proclaiming that it is not right to use animals for our pleasing as there’s no forcing reason to do so. For me personally, it also has a lot to do with bias. Very few people would torment an animal right in front of them, we simply accept torture and murder when it happens in some far away slaughterhouse and when there’s a societal ideology supporting the belief that it’s okay to induce so much suffering when the majority does it. This ideology, the ‘counterpart’ to Veganism, is called Carnism. Yes, it’s a thing. Vegans are not the only ones who bring their beliefs to the dinner table. If you think it’s wrong to eat a cat or dog but right to eat chickens, drink the mother milk of calves and so on, then you believe in an underlying system which tells you what’s right and wrong.
Effective Altruism is a concept aiming at people’s willingness to help others and combining that with a scientific approach to achieve maximum output of doing good. As an effective altruist, I don’t give money to random beggars in my town as I am aware that I can help much more people in far more dire situations when I spend my money wisely and give it to top-ranked charities. There is so, so much suffering in this world. We simply cannot help everyone, but we can try to do our best and help as many as possible as efficiently as possible. Effective Altruism tries to do just that: Doing the most good with what we can offer the world.
◦ I constantly speak with myself out loud. My thoughts demand to be expressed audibly.
◦ I am awesome. As are you, even if you don’t believe it - yet. The ‘secret’ of self-confidence is that simply thinking you can do something (yeah, I know it’s not simple) will actually enable you to really do it. Not perfectly, not everything of course, but still, the right mindset can often make all the difference.
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